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Baldrick: "Fear not my lord, for I, have a cunning plan..."

Edmund: "Tell me crone, is this Putney?"
Crone: "That it be!"
Edmund: "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to use that insolent tone to me, i'm not a tourist. I am here to seek information about the wise woman."
Crone: "The wise woman! The wise woman! Two things must ye know about the wise woman...First...She is...A woman!!!...and second...she is..."
Edmund: "Wise?"
Crone: "Oh..so you do know 'er then..."
Edmund: "No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is, incidently, what you'll be getting if you're not a bit more helpful."

Percy: "I have, this very afternoon, discovered the secret of alchemy. Behold, pure gold in all its glory!"
Edmund: "Percy. It's green."
Percy:"Yes, my lord!
Edmund: "Well, I hate to dampen your spirits but, gold is gold, thats why its called 'gold'.What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some 'green'."
Percy: "Oh, Edmund! Can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hands, a nugget of purest green!"
Edmund: "Yes, well, it's more of a splat, isn't it?"

Lady Whiteadder: "Luck! Do you get it?"
All: "Err...No..."
Lady Whiteadder: "Oh, come on...Luck! Sounds almost exactly like f..."

Nursey: "Well I don't see what all the fuss is about!"
Queenie: "What do you mean, nursey?"
Nursey: "Well, its only one step from not drinking to not wanting his bath!"
Queenie: "Edmund doesn't bath, nursey."
Nursey: "Well he should! How else is he going to keep clean? Soon he wont want his nappy changed!"
Queenie:"Nursey, Edmund doesn't wear a nappy."

Edmund: "So, whats your name, then?"
Cook: "Ploppy."
Edmund: "So, you two are related?"
Cook: "NO, no, a lot of people think that, but its PURE coincidence..oh, we did laugh when first found out. In the mornings i'd say to him: 'Good morning, Mr. Ploppy.', and he'd say to me: 'Good morning, MRS Ploppy!"
Edmund: "Oh, the long winter evenings must just FLY by..."

Edmund: "Don't worry Percy. You'll get over her. I did...In fact, so did Baldrick, actually."

Edmund: "Oh God, what was I drinking last night? My head feels like it has a Frenchman living in it."

Queenie: "So there's definitely been no sign of Edmund?"
Percy: "I fear not, ma'am."
Queenie"Why then he's vanished, simply vanished."
Percy: "....Just like an old oak table."
Queenie: "....Vanished, Lord Percy, not varnished."
Percy: "Forgive me my lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely vanished. T'was on the night of the Great Stepney fire. And on that very same night, his house and all his things completely vanished too. So did he, in fact. T'was a most perplexing mystery..."
Queenie: "Lord Percy, it's up to you: You can shut up, or you can have your head cut off."
Percy: ".....................................I'll shut up."

Prince George: "Some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey!"
Blackadder: "Oh an absurd suggestion sir... unless it was a particularly stupid donkey."

Miggins: "Bonjour, monsieur."
Edmund: "What?"
Miggins: "Bonjour, monsieur -- it's French."
Edmund: "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street, but that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Edmund: "That globulous fraud, Dr. Johnson, is coming to tea."
Baldrick: "I thought he was the cleverest man in England."
Edmund: "Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."

Edmund: "I believe, sir, that the Doctor (Johnson) is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book (the dictionary). It has, apparently, taken him ten years."
Prince George: "Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself..."
Johnson: "Here it is, sir: the very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."
Prince George: "Hmm."
Edmund: "Every single one, sir?"
Johnson: (confidently) "Every single word, sir!"
Edmund: (to Prince) "Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafribblarities."
Johnson: "What?"
Edmund: "`Contrafribblarites', sir? It is a common word down our way."
Johnson: "Damn!" (writes in the book)

Edmund: "When I was a small boy, I used to watch the marshwarblers swooping in my mother's undercroft. And I remember thinking - would Man ever dare do the same? And you know..."
Capt. Darling: "Oh! You want to join the Royal Flying Corps!"
Edmund: "...Oh, there's a thought."

Edmund: ".....I'm as happy as a frenchman who's invented a pair of self removing trousers"

Baldrick: "Iv'e got a thingy shaped like a turnip. I'm a big hit at parties, I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children."

Edmund: "Well yes...I do rather laugh in the face of fear...Tweak the nose of terror..."

Edmund: "How hurt would you be if I gave you the honest answer....I'd rather french kiss a skunk."

Edmund: "Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin..."

George: "Great Scott, sir! You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a good old British-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?"
Edmund: "...If you mean, 'Are we all going to get killed?', then...yes."

George: "Thank God you're here! We desperately need you!"
Edmund: "Who, me sir? Mr. Thicky Black Thicky Adder Thicky?...Mr Hopelessly Drivelly Can't Write For Toffee Crappy Butler Weed?...Mr Brilliantly Undervalued Butler Who Hasn't Had a Raise in a Fortnight?"
George: "Take an extra thousand. Guineas? Per month?"
Edmund: "...Alright, what's your problem?"
George: "The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists! They intend to kill us all!"
Edmund: "What - are they going to bore us to death?"

Edmund: "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship."
Baldrick: "Ah. Thank you, Mr.B."
Edmund: "But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying, simply, 'Sod Off', and if I ever meet you again it'll be twenty billion years too soon."

Melchett: Blackadder - started talking to yourself, I see.
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation

Edmund: "Baldrick, a chat with you and somehow death loses its sting."

Edmund: "I fear the words 'I have a cunning plan' are rapidly marching towards this conversation with ill-deserved confidence."

Percy: I'm sorry I'm late.
Blackadder: No, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive.

Prince George: "I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave! Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?"
Edmund: "I think it might've been YOU he was after, sir."
Prince George: "Oh hogwash! What on earth makes you say that?"
Edmund: "Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words, "Death to the stupid Prince!"

Edmund: "Baldrick, what are you doing out there?"
Baldrick: "I'm carving something on this bullet sir."
Edmund: "What are you carving?"
Baldrick: "I'm carving "Baldrick", sir."
Edmund: "Why?"
Baldrick: "It's a cunning plan actually."
Edmund: "Of course it is."
Baldrick: "You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?"
Edmund: "Yes?"
Baldrick: "Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself."
Edmund: "Oh, shame."

Edmund: "What do you want, Darling?"
Darling: "It's Captain Darling to you."

George: "you know what would cheer you up, alot of Charlie Chaplin films. Oh, I love Old Chappers, don't you, Cap?"
Edmund: "Unfortuately no I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it."
George: "Ah, beg pardon, sir, but come off! His films are ball-bouncingly funny."
Edmund: "Rubbish!"
George: "Alright, why let's consult the men for a casting vote, shall we? Baldrick?"
Baldrick: "Sir!"
George: "Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick. What do you make of him?"
Baldrick: "Oh sir, he's as funny as a vegetable that's grown into a rude and amusing shape, sir."
Edmund: "So you agree with me. Not at all funny?"

Edmund: "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with 'T'."
Baldrick: "Breakfast!"
Edmund: "What?"
Baldrick: "My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage, and a egg with some little soldiers."
Edmund: "Baldrick, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter."
Baldrick: "Nah, it never begins with a letter; the postman don't come 'til 10.30."
Edmund: "I can't go on with this. George, take over."
George: "All right, sir. Erm, I spy with my litle eye something beginning with 'R'."
Baldrick: "Army!"
Edmund: "For God's sake, Baldrick! 'Army' starts with an 'A'. He's looking for something that starts with an 'R'. RRRrrrrr!"
Baldrick: "Motorbike!"
Edmund: "What?"
Baldrick: "A motorbike starts with a `RRRRRrrrrrrrrrm! RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr--'"
Edmund: "All right, right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'?"
Baldrick: "I don't know."
Edmund: "Come here."
(Baldrick moves closer to Edmund; Edmund punches Baldrick in the face) Baldrick: "Ow!" (falls to the ground)
Edmund: "Well done."
George: "No (laughs), I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, to be honest, sir. "

Edmund: "Mm, I think you might be under a slight misapprehension here, Nurse. I lost closer friends than 'Darling Georgy' the last time I was deloused. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got better things to do than exchange pleasantries with a wet blanket. Would you get out?"

Baldrick: "Still, I tell you what, sir, you might have a chance to get to know that pretty nurse."
Edmund: "No, thank you, Baldrick. She's as wet as a fish's wet bits. I'd rather get to know you."
Baldrick: "I'm not available, sir. I'm waiting for Miss Right to come along and gather me up in her arms."
Edmund: "Yes, I wouldn't be too hopeful; we'd have to get her arms out of a straightjacket first. Now get packing!"

Edmund: "So what you are saying, Percy, is something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else...that you have never seen?"

George: "Honestly Blackadder, I'm sick of you treating me like I'm some sort of thickie. Well it's not me that's thick, it's you Mr. thickie Black thickie Adder thickie."

George: "Blackadder! What time is it?"
Edmund: "Three o'clock in the afternoon, your Highness."
George: "Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept."

Edmund: "Go out and get me a goose so large you would think its mother had been rogered by a bus."

Edmund: "Now Percy, will you get out...before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides...and give it to your mother as a vase."

Ludwig: "You find yourself amusing, Herr Blackadder."
Edmund: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion..."

Edmund: "Potato Bloody explorers ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land...come back with a tropical disease, a suntan, and a bag of brown lumpy things...Bob's your uncle everyone's got a picture of them in the toilet."

Edmund: "My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself to be one of England's finest liers..."
"Oh, my God, Percy, a giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak!!!"
Percy: "Oh no!! (runs out)"
Edmund: "...You see, I'm just terrific..."

Percy: "Edmund! Oh, Edmund, I've awaited your return!"
Edmund: "And thank God you did, for I was just thinking...'My God, I die in twelve hours. What I really need right now is a hug from a complete prat.'"

Edmund: "Then I'll probably drop her, and get two hundred concubines to share my bed."
Baldrick: "Won't they be rather prickly?"
Edmund: "...Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines."

Percy: "Did you...miss me?"
Edmund: "I certainly did. Many was the time I said to myself...'I wish Percy were here...'"
Percy: "Oh!..."
Edmund: "'...being tortured instead of me...'"

Baldrick: "Did you miss me, my lord?"
Edmund: "Um... Baldrick, is it?"
Baldrick: "That's right."
Edmund: "No, not really."

Edmund: "Baldrick, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?"
Baldrick: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open and hope they scurry in."
Edmund: "Do they?"
Baldrick: "Not yet, my lord."
Edmund: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
[Later, Baldrick walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose]
Edmund: "Why?"
Baldrick: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat for variety."

Edmund: "Ah, Percy. The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed."

"Mr Blackadder has been made returning officer, after the previous officer tragically cut his head off while combing his hair."

Captain Darling: "I wasn't born yesterday, you know."
Edmund: "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from scratch."

Edmund: "George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you arriving, I'd finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars."

Edmund: "So, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that out, and roast them over a large fire. Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade... AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool."
"Well in that case, I love Satan...."
"Oh, it's a scythe....."

Edmund: "I, on the other hand, am a well-rounded human being, with a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out Of Me."

Melchett: "Private, what is the time?"
Baldrick: "We didn't receive any messages...and Captain Blackadder definitely did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon, sir."
Edmund: "...Do you want to be cremated, Baldrick, or buried at sea?"

Queenie: "Just one last thing: is her nose as pretty as mine?"
Edmund: "Oh, no no no, ma'am."
Queenie: "Oh good, because if it was, then i'd have to cut it off, and you'd have to marry someone without a nose, wouldn't you...Imagine the mess when she got a cold, YUCK!"

George: "Crikey, I'm looking forward to today. Up-tiddly-up-up, down-diddly- down-down, whoops-poop-twiddly dee, a decent scrap with the fiendish Red Baron, a bit of a jolly old crash landing behind enemy lines, capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals!"

Edmund: "I will return before you can say, 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'."
George: "Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Antidistibbilitz...Antimisdibbilince....
(Caption : Two Days Later)
....Antidistinctlymintymempsbalism...

George: "They're firing, sir!! They're firing!!!"
Edmund: "...Thank you, Lieutenant. If they hit me, you'll be sure to point it out, won't you."

Baldrick: "I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?"
Edmund: "Well, of course not. Who do you think you are...Watt Tyler? You can have the afternoon off when you die, Baldrick, and not before."

Percy:"We're doomed to a watery grave with a Captain who's legless..." Captain Redbeard: "Rubbish!...I've hardly touched a drop!" Percy: "...No, no, I mean...you haven't got any legs..."

Edmund: "If I die, Baldrick, d'you think people would remember me?"
Baldrick: "...Yeah, of course they would. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing and saying, 'Do you remember old Privy-Breath?'..."
Edmund: "Am I then...not popular?"
Baldrick: "Um...well, put it this way...When people slip in what dogs have left in the street they do tend to say, 'Whoops - I've trod in an Edmund'.

Baldrick: "I, too, have a cunning plan to catch the spy, sir."
Edmund: "Do you, Baldrick, do you..."
Baldrick: "You go round the hostipal and ask everyone, "Are you a German spy?"
Edmund: "Yes, I must say, Baldrick, I appreciate your involvement on the creative side."
Baldrick: "If it was me, I'd own up."
Edmund: "Of course you would. But, sadly, the enemy have not added to the German Army Entrance Form the requirement 'must have intellectual capacity of a boiled potato.'"

Edmund: "Baldrick, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."

Edmund: "I think I'll write my tombstone - Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed."

George: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
Edmund: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Edmund: "What is your name, boy ?"
Boy: "Kate."
Edmund: "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
Boy: "It's short for...erm...Bob."

George: "I'm as excited as a terribly excited person who has a really good reason for being terribly excited."

Percy: "A vow of silence, how interesting. Tell me about it."

Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well, don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Captain Rum: "You courtiers...you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl."
Edmund: "...Better lapdogs to a slip of a girl than a...git."

Captain Redbeard: "What's the First Mate's name?"
Edmund: "...Percy."
Redbeard: "A nautical cove?"
Edmund: "Yes...Well, he's a sort of...wet fish."

Percy: "The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing... oh, look! Look! There's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors...and he's STILL got a smile on his face!"

Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells: "Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the church?"

Edmund: "My every path is shrewn with cowpats from the devils own satanic herd."

Edmund: "Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?"

Edmund: "As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday...did you enjoy it?"

All: "Row row row the boat, gently down the stream, BELTS OFF, TROUSERS DOWN, ISN'T LIFE A SCREAM, WEY!"

George: "MY God!"
Flasheart: "Yes, I suppose I am..."

Kate: "Father, I must speak. I can stay silent no longer. All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, dribble, moan, and bash your head against the wall yelling 'I want to die'. Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but...You're not COMPLETELY happy, are you?

Percy: "I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me..."
Edmund: "Go to Spain, there are millions of them."

So then, what did you think of them?

Hilarious:
Incredibly funny:
Very amusing:
Highly laughable:
Great fun:
Humourous:
Great depiction of Blackadder humour:
Appaulingly bad, and not funny at all: